I'm so fucking centered right now
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
