so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Randomize
