I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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