I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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