What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
