i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
