I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
no, he came in my armpit
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
