based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
