ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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