My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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