my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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