I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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