Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
