i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
