are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
