Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
