I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
