I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
