After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
