You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
