Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
