im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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