did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
