is your mom at the bar?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
