She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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