he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Randomize
