My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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