you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
