Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My feet surprised me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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