I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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