you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
