i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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