Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
