The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
