No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
