3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
