Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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