So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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