I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
