Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
