meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
