he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
