I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Boobs are out for the taking
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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