we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
