Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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