I wish I could teleport
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
