I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
