Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
