I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
