she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
